2023: Torture and Anaphylaxis

Published on March 16, 2023, this article features a proposition of torture for students who aren't "eco-conscious". The article suggests replacing the Smog Sculpture with stockades where students who aren't environmentally conscious will be withheld and tomatoes from the Knoll will be used as ammunition against them. Littering beer cans results in one day in the stockades. The piece jokes about acceptance for drunk smoking since cigarette butts found when sober warrants 3 days in the stockades while cigarette butts found when drunk result in only half an hour of torture. The article also plans to replace dog statue with tar and feather pit.Once again makes fun of Middlebury students’ hypocrisy, as a quote about the tar and feather pit includes “And these are just what I came up with on my flight to Cancun over Feb break, but imagine what else we can do!”. The article also imagines a protest against movement has resulted in unsustainable art exhibits such as “oil spill” and “pile of burning tires”.

Published on November 27, 2023, this is one of the most rich environmentally-focused articles The Noodle has written. The piece makes fun of environmentally conscious students with the name Envira Mentlist ‘24, claiming that the average Middlebury student doesn’t really know what they’re talking about with the quote “according to the survey I conducted, the average human releases close to 476.9 bajillion tons of carbon dioxide a day simply by breathing”. The article also makes fun of the hypocrisy of Middlebury students as The Noodle describes the student getting into their 2022 Jeep Wrangler, a car with relatively poor fuel efficiency. Furthermore, the next quote slams Middlebury students as “planet-destroying machines”, claiming “it’s really quite selfish”. The piece also features some true news about Middlebury not making progress towards Energy2028 goals and continues to mock students’ ignorance towards environmental issues by imagining clubs such as the Crude Oil Burning Club and Cattle Raising Club. Once again, this article makes fun of students who claim to be issue-conscious but have no idea what they’re talking about. The article suggests that students limit their talking about subjects that “don’t fucking involve them”, with a quote from Ima White-Libral describing how gossiping is linked to the deaths of polar bears. This jokes about how Middlebury students are extremely concerned about their impacts when realistically their actions here in a small town in Vermont has next to no impact on events across the world. The interview with White-Libral is continued as they suggest sending students into anaphylaxis to reduce their breathing capacity, yet another absurd solution. We once again see The Noodle make fun of Middkids and their hypocrisy as White-Libral has to go judge a “rainforest logging competition”, showing that Middlebury students pretend to care, but, in fact, are damaging the environment. The last line from White-Libral further makes fun of Middlebury students as they say “environmental policy career, here I come!”, poking fun at Middlebury students who, as previously described, claim to be environmentally-conscious but aren’t, yet continue to devote their lives to the subject just to appear in the right.